new old post

Naming

I am afraid of my darkness. I am afraid of my forest self.

I am afraid of the self that seeks to be alone for fear of rejection and now does not know how to return to people. I fear my desperate longing for companionship that leads me to drink and drink until I fear nothing. I fear my invisibility. I walk around as a shadow... Ellison said it eloquently, but to me it feels tender and raw. Invisibility leaves me feeling gutted alive, the ragged edges of my soul sore, aching.

myeyesmyeyesmyeyes are wounds and see no more

I am afraid of the forest that I am- moist and earthy, flowering and treacherous. I am dried up and springing up; rooted and uprooted; seeker and quarry. Promise and potential have been buried in graves deep and shallow (and unforgotten) in me. They lie under moss and fear, rocks and hope, waiting for discovery and redemption.

I fear my ability to spread out, to creep like the forest, out and over land, young trees springing up thin and tall and straight; bushes thickly covering the open spaces between them, scratching to expand. I am afraid to let beauty, power and healing spread like they should- like they want to- from/in me. So, as the farmer and the developer and the city officials to the forest, I trim and trim at its edges to keep a set line, though that is impossible.

A forest, like the spirit, can never be tamed, it can only be experienced or destroyed.

__________

Woman, you are afraid of the forest
I see it in your eyes
When you stare in to the darkness: the terrified look of a defenseless creature.
Woman, you are a forest
strange and deep: I see
you are afraid of yourself.

- Maria Wine

Procrastination

gets the best of me, yet again. I have wasted hours feinting from the writing of even one paper. My time is limited and made even more finite by my completely explicable decision to attend the Sistersong conference this weekend. Who could miss such an event, huh? Who? Certainly, not me. I had a good time remembering why I used to enjoy my brain. Women's resistances really excite! (how does that compare to 'women's resistances rock!' ? hopefully, favorably...)

I must return to my duties, but I wanted to share this... it is ok to love without a religion telling you to do so. It is perfectly fine to live without having to reference some sacred text to determine what to do when and with whom. It's also acceptable to use religion. Can we refrain from trying to belittle folks for choosing alternatives to our beliefs? It's really hypocritical and unfair, i.e. if you have the right to make a choice, others do as well. Show some respect, please.

All done.