ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

I want to love and be loved. I want to be the apple of somebody's eye. I want to feel the contentment that comes with being partnered, you know? I suppose this time is one of preparation for that eventuality, because I have to admit that I'd be fairly frightened if someone came along now with the idea of loving me in mind. Then again, part of me thinks it isn't possible for anyone to love me and that- like in my last relationship, they would come to realize (after I start loving them)- that they don't love me after all, but that they really, really like me and want to be my friend. Can I handle that again? -- I didn't die, so physically I can, but you know how they wrote in Newsweek recently that rejection hurts (how emotions are wired and that we can feel each other's emotions was really the focus, but they also mentioned that rejection registers in the part of the brain that usually responds to physical pain)? Well, that rejection from the last one hasn't fully healed. I still have the scar and I'm rubbing it down with cocoa butter, but it's taking time... One day I'll be ready and I know that one day it will come. I just wish I had something in the interim or maybe I wish it/love/partnership would come now, ready or not.

Besides, i still am working on gaining full understanding of and belief in myself. I have many doubts about my competence and how capable I am. I keep doing things despite these questions, accomplishing things that I still don't think I am able to (even though they are past) and shying away from great things that I could definitely do. Where does this tendency to self-defeat and doubt come from? The Chinese horoscope named me a monkey and said one of my characteristics was a tendency to be easily discouraged. I hate that it's so true. But even being discouraged I keep on moving and with my doubt I keep on moving and with my fear I keep on moving, but I'm sure the moving and the changing and achieving would be so much more enjoyable without all that stuff.

'emancipate yourself from mental slavery.' I know my lack of confidence is enslavement as are all the criticisms I heap on my head in my thoughts. Is my need for a partner a part of that also? Do I just crave that company because I have been taught that I should have it? Do I feel less than whole because of that lack?

no. I'm reclaiming my desire. I have a right to want to be wanted and to want someone. I have a right to feel insecure and to strive regardless of that insecurity. And I have a right to question and wonder about who and what and why and when, because I am on a journey and I am young yet. There's nothing wrong with any of this. It's a part of my process and I accept it. But it's not always fun. Sometimes I wish I didn't care at all.

speaking of caring... A former client called me today out of the blue, just to let me know how things are in her life! I was SO excited to hear from her and so gratified that she thought to keep me in touch. It is important to do the best you can in your work and in your life and to genuinely care for people, because it's right, but also because one day they might call you up and out of your morosity and remind you that everything wasn't always like this and won't always be like this again. I miss people, the people I have connected with and I'm super excited about the folks I'm connecting with now. It's beautiful to give out love and to receive it. I need to do that more.

hmmm. blah.

watch what you ask for

why might i end up with 3 or 4 jobs? everybody knows that jamaicans are hardworking folk, so i don't have to prove anything. i won't spit in the face of a job though. it's a beautiful thing to be able to bring home some pay. i know, so give thanks!