:(

i didn't realize my writing was so poor. it's hard to believe that i wrote the last post- it's disjointed and trite.










is it january already?

ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

I want to love and be loved. I want to be the apple of somebody's eye. I want to feel the contentment that comes with being partnered, you know? I suppose this time is one of preparation for that eventuality, because I have to admit that I'd be fairly frightened if someone came along now with the idea of loving me in mind. Then again, part of me thinks it isn't possible for anyone to love me and that- like in my last relationship, they would come to realize (after I start loving them)- that they don't love me after all, but that they really, really like me and want to be my friend. Can I handle that again? -- I didn't die, so physically I can, but you know how they wrote in Newsweek recently that rejection hurts (how emotions are wired and that we can feel each other's emotions was really the focus, but they also mentioned that rejection registers in the part of the brain that usually responds to physical pain)? Well, that rejection from the last one hasn't fully healed. I still have the scar and I'm rubbing it down with cocoa butter, but it's taking time... One day I'll be ready and I know that one day it will come. I just wish I had something in the interim or maybe I wish it/love/partnership would come now, ready or not.

Besides, i still am working on gaining full understanding of and belief in myself. I have many doubts about my competence and how capable I am. I keep doing things despite these questions, accomplishing things that I still don't think I am able to (even though they are past) and shying away from great things that I could definitely do. Where does this tendency to self-defeat and doubt come from? The Chinese horoscope named me a monkey and said one of my characteristics was a tendency to be easily discouraged. I hate that it's so true. But even being discouraged I keep on moving and with my doubt I keep on moving and with my fear I keep on moving, but I'm sure the moving and the changing and achieving would be so much more enjoyable without all that stuff.

'emancipate yourself from mental slavery.' I know my lack of confidence is enslavement as are all the criticisms I heap on my head in my thoughts. Is my need for a partner a part of that also? Do I just crave that company because I have been taught that I should have it? Do I feel less than whole because of that lack?

no. I'm reclaiming my desire. I have a right to want to be wanted and to want someone. I have a right to feel insecure and to strive regardless of that insecurity. And I have a right to question and wonder about who and what and why and when, because I am on a journey and I am young yet. There's nothing wrong with any of this. It's a part of my process and I accept it. But it's not always fun. Sometimes I wish I didn't care at all.

speaking of caring... A former client called me today out of the blue, just to let me know how things are in her life! I was SO excited to hear from her and so gratified that she thought to keep me in touch. It is important to do the best you can in your work and in your life and to genuinely care for people, because it's right, but also because one day they might call you up and out of your morosity and remind you that everything wasn't always like this and won't always be like this again. I miss people, the people I have connected with and I'm super excited about the folks I'm connecting with now. It's beautiful to give out love and to receive it. I need to do that more.

hmmm. blah.

watch what you ask for

why might i end up with 3 or 4 jobs? everybody knows that jamaicans are hardworking folk, so i don't have to prove anything. i won't spit in the face of a job though. it's a beautiful thing to be able to bring home some pay. i know, so give thanks!

school

was freaking me out, but i think i'm settling in now. i so need to work though. being broke is putting pressure on me and though i'd like to keep my time free to focus on my studies, i just don't have that luxury. it's hard, but i can only hope that i can maintain balance between work and school and that my studies don't suffer for my divided energy.

light. light. light. and love.

the garden

is going well. corn, okra, tomatoes, and cabbages grow in profusion and the marigolds look better and better every day. people are feeling really satisfied with their work and the pace is a lot less frenetic... thank goodness planting is, for the most part, over. still there are bumps in the road.

there's a guy who joined recently who's vision-impaired and has been walking all through other people's plots. so folks were freaking out and saying i should do something as coordinator, right? well, i can't exactly say, 'you can't come to the garden' (which is what some want me to say), because it's a community garden- anyone's eligible in my estimation. though i am going to ask him not to climb over the fence anymore, it sets a bad example- soon everyone will be climbing in to harvest (not ok). so instead, we have put up string fences around our plots and i have to admit, they're really cute. it's a blonde wood that we use for the posts (they were supposed to be tomato stakes, but we have those iron cages and other 'official' stakes and with the string, there's no way he won't be able to see or feel them if he heads into someone else's plot).

we placed him right up front, so why he's all over is beyond me- maybe he just wants to look... so now he can look safely. so far it's been working! let's hope that it continues to work to maintain peace in the garden. it's supposed to be a peaceful place. a joy.

yeah.

badoopbaabaabaa...

the ring sat on my finger... encircled my finger... wrapped itself around. how do i describe it? four pearls in opposition to each other formed a cross with a diamond sparkling in the center and a smaller one between each pearl. it made my finger more interesting and more common somehow. the other fingers of the hand unfettered, this one bound.

it's obvious i'm feeling some ambivalence about this step right? marriage. i always said i wouldn't marry, maybe i said i'd never have kids. whatever the past, i am losing myself in the present. not totally lost, but on the way, yeah?

grades of shade

I fell in love full throttle.

After four years with her and an uncomfortable year alone, I was ready, ready, READY to fall. He appeared and I was smitten. Recalling how I hurt her cheating and carrying on and caring only for myself, I was ready to be a woman- a good woman, faithful, true.

He smiled, came over for dinner, stayed for the weekend. He was a wounded thing like me, seeking integrity. The weekend hookup snowballed into a relationship. Two weeks later we were committed, in love, making all-day and night phone calls, shifting to fit our relationship- the newest and greatest priority in our lives.

Things fell apart as quickly and dramatically as they came together. Soon we were fighting about dust mites and sunbeams- I mean anything that crossed our eyes or our thoughts. There was no peace to be had. Then by gargantuan effort we were peace again. Just like that we were spending weekends ensconced in each others arms, more tender to each other than ever before.

Early mornings the rising sun would catch me looking at his smooth skin, glowing a reddened brown-black, with lashes so long they stroked his cheeks. He was a pretty man and soft. And his waking was gentle and squeaky, a 'hey'-smile-kiss-sleep-wake, gradual.

He did love me. He did. Hmmm... maybe he actually loved my image. After all, I was as much in love with what he symbolized as I was with him. He loved my image... yes, I feel comfortable with that idea. It rings true in my core. I was the strong black woman- creative, self-assured, spiritual and connected to/grounded in my roots. So it seemed, yeah? So wrong. Inside I was confused, lost, lacking direction and purpose, wounded (deeply). I was empty inside or maybe I was full and rotting. What a discovery! She shines brightly, but is fools gold. He was caught in a pretty trap and sought escape, but I would not let him go. I fought to keep him because he meant that I was ok, normal, a woman.

And he was only pieces of a man. Broken from his past hurts, he would crawl into bed and curl up beside me, a delicate, defenseless animal- small. He thought himself strong- maybe he was strong- but he would lie in my arms, head on my breast, curled like a fetus, clinging- a wounded man. Hurt.

He would also wave opinions around like a baton and club me in the head with his rightness. We struggled then decided that, since no one would admit defeat, we should just not fight anymore. Silence bloomed between us and he dwelled in ambivalence, regret, hurt and dissatisfaction.

His feelings about me he kept close. We were together, but he was gone. Where did he go? We were over again. I fought again, but it was a losing battle and I knew it. My fight was a bloody retreat. Was that it? Was that it then?

It hurt more than any pain I've ever known.

I cried and smoked and drank myself into the realization that I had been given an opportunity to become whole. My choices were to come apart or to heal (Healing sucks, by the way).

The first part was awful. I felt raw and he wanted to be friends and call me and hang out and talk about his life and mine, the separate life he'd forced me into leading. I tried to do it, but soon realized that I couldn't support him and heal. It had to be me or him, but not both. Cutting ties was scary because it meant WE were really over. It also felt really, really good to put me first.

ME FIRST! ME FIRST! ME FIRST!

yeah.

So, I'm alright! It feels good to write this, to put this down and feel that it's true. This is the point of all the heartache, I guess. If I hadn't loved hard, I wouldn't have experienced the loss and if I hadn't lost him, I wouldn't have felt the pain and there would have been no healing and the healing is what's gotten me to clear. clear. joy. and alright.

It's a thing of beauty.

steel pulse

Water running over moss covered rocks
your love is right for I
slippery and cold, rushing and still,
a triumphant call to the present
clarion-like, it splashes down
echoes through and through
and in its dark depths
but silent beneath the transport
swim patches of shadow and light
fear looms like the moon, full (y)
chiaroscuro
and so
I die.

Triumphant! Triumphant!

practice is conscious choice

when
one's image of oneself
curls inward

when
vibrant color
turns to brown

when
disintegration is in
the midst of creation

when
modern arises from postmodern
kinetic from potential

when
slow decay is vivid
in the swift press of living

when
walking the horizon line
possiblity the earth
career/work the sky

we do what we can
then die