i keep trying

to write something and cancelling the post. life is in a real state of flux right now. i want to return to jamaica. it has been so long since i've been home and the longing is a weight on me. i saw the ocean this summer. i swam in salt water and sang to yemaya. it hurt my heart to taste the salt. i rubbed my feet and skin with the sand and wished that i could return. it must be done. i will go back, and soon.

riding my bicycle home across the river the other day, i got off at the pinnacle of the bridge and began to sing to oshun. the sun was setting on the water and the breeze carried a surprising hint of salt. suddenly, there was a small splash in the water. i thought maybe someone passing by threw something, but how could i have missed its descent? i continued to sing and look at the water when again there was the splash and i saw the golden tail of a fat fish sink beneath the surface. it happened a little distance from me, but i thought... this is oshun. she is hearing me and she likes the song. i started to sing again, joyfully and dance, the fish came right below where i stood on the bridge and did the flip again. i was amazed and delighted. i sang for her and danced for her, uncaring of the passersby (one of whom cautioned me to be careful because the river could draw me in). thinking of it still brings a smile to my face. the spirits and ancestors are with us. the power of light and love are with us at all times, as are chaos, pain and confusion. i feel constantly aware of the pain and challenge, but often lose sight of the love and joy. it was a wonderful, wonderful and liberating reminder.

i see i have something to say, after all.